TRIGGER WARNING – This post includes mentions of racism and murder
It’s hard to tell when Black Fatigue is going to hit. It blindsides you. This week started off as any other. With my three year old poking me and asking me if it was morning yet. It’s bright and sunny these days so unfortunately, that poke is coming earlier and earlier with each sunrise.
I started the day as I always do. I checked my emails to see if there’s anything urgent I needed to attend to. It’s a habit, nothing interesting comes through during lockdown, but still, I check. Then I moved onto social media. A post on a bird watcher being screamed at by a woman with a dog caught my attention. It turns out even birdwatching whilst black can quickly turn into a life or death crisis.
What's in this post
Amy Cooper and Christian Cooper
You’ve probably seen the video for yourself by now. A white woman named Amy Cooper, with an unleashed dog is asked (off-camera) to leash her dog in an area of Central Park, NY, where dogs are supposed to be leashed. Instead of simply doing what the man, Christian Cooper asks, she decided to call the police on him and tell them that she is being threatened by an African American man. There is so much unchecked white privilege on display here. Not even knowing that she is being filmed is enough to check her and make her second guess if her actions are ok.
Oh, when Karens take a walk with their dogs off leash in the famous Bramble in NY’s Central Park, where it is clearly posted on signs that dogs MUST be leashed at all times, and someone like my brother (an avid birder) politely asks her to put her dog on the leash. pic.twitter.com/3YnzuATsDm
— Melody Cooper (@melodyMcooper) May 25, 2020
The woman was fired from her job. Her dog was taken from her. Discussions about ‘Karen-ing’ where held on social media. It became front page news, at least online.
George Floyd murdered
Later in the day I saw another video being shared far and wide. The video was of a black man, also in America, being killed. Slowly. By a policeman. A policeman who sat on knelt on George Floyd’s neck until he could no longer breathe. Until blood no longer pumped through his body. Even when paramedics were checking his pulse, it’s said the policeman in question didn’t remove his hold on Mr Floyd’s neck. The video was shared far and wide. I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t watch another man die. Yet the video was shared. Far. And. Wide.
Black Fatigue
Both of these stories made me tired. As did the stories shared by other members of the black community on both sides of the Atlantic displaying their own stories of everyday racism. Of living whilst black and being penalised and physically harmed. I was suffering from black fatigue and still am.
Black fatigue is real. You can mourn someone you haven’t met. You can become frustrated and sad to the point of not being able to physically move or mentally deal. Seeing the racism on every social media platform we visit can be an assault on our person. On our souls. It makes you tired.
I’m tired.
Things won’t change. Not fast enough. It won’t change in time to save enough Black lives. Not fast enough to mean I won’t have to worry about my daughters being racially profiled. From facing discrimination when they apply for jobs or join a gym, or go to a shop. Because that happens. If you think it doesn’t, it’s time to check your privilege and talk to your black friends. Racism is real and the black fatigue that goes from being the victim or witness of it is real.
Generational trauma
A friend said that these instances of racism and abuse reignite years of trauma that unfortunately goes back generations. That it now makes up part of our DNA. Generational trauma.
This post isn’t here to suggest ways to stop racism. To stop discrimination. To stop police brutality or biased stop and searches. That’s another, important conversation that I don’t have the headspace to start today. This post is here to say that in 2020 racism is still as real and insipid as it has always been. I’m here to say that black fatigue is here and that’s OK to not feel OK.
It’s OK to feel angry or sad or scared or any other feeling that’s coursing through you right now.
One more time. It’s OK
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Thanks for writing this sis. I’ve had to take social media breaks even though I’ve been online more than usual thanks to the global pandemic. Now I’m also worrying about the protesters who are more vulnerable than ever, owing to a myriad of factors from Trump to a virus decimating Black and Brown communities. This life ain’t easy but we stand together. Take care of yourself ok? Self-care is more important than ever right now x
Yup, I’m also taking prolonged breaks from social media for the sake of my mental health. It’s a lot to take in right now. I agree, with this virus, you’ve got to feel for the protestors’ health. Not to mention having a president who is in my opinion pretty volatile…
Same to you sis, please take care of yourself xxx
Very relatable read. I feel this often. Right now on top of the pandemic, this is the most exhausted I’ve been in a while, and I didn’t even watch the videos. There is too heavy a load on black people. As strong as we can be, we shouldn’t have to deal with it in the first place. We have to take care of our mental health always but especially right now x
All so true, I hope you find time to take care of yourself throughout all of this Keke xx
Agreed. I’ve not had the energy or inclination to watch the video. It’s been a VERY draining time for us xx Take care of yourself
You know, Tinuke, I had to put down the funny today, which is my usual coping mechanism, and just admit on my own blog I AM EXHAUSTED. Tired of playing the game, believing over all these years slights and injustices had nothing to do with the colour of my skin. Because I was different, you see. I was educated and seen and valued. Wasn’t I? 30-odd years later after another professional slight and the bloody penny drops. I am tired and tearful today and it was good to hear you say that that was okay. Love you. Mx
Oh Mel! I’m sorry you’re feeling exhausted. This can be such a load to carry. I hope you’re able to heal and feel some sort of “ok” again soon xxxx
Thank you for sharing Mel. It’s been so hard and such an eye-opener for so many of us. Like you, I think I’ve spent a lot of time brushing off slights and injustices, not wanting to see it for what it was. xxxxxxx